The eBay Partner Network sent out the following email:

Link your accounts for special features

Dear Hillary,

As we announced in our July Newsletter, we have introduced the ability for you to link your eBay account with your eBay Partner Network account. If you have not already done so, please take a moment to link your eBay User Account to your eBay Partner Network Publisher Account to take advantage of some special features for eBay sellers and especially our PowerSellers:

* We want to make sure we’re doing the best job we can in communicating with you. Linking your accounts will enable us to better advise and answer your questions as we can look at your eBay activity to better understand your account and your particular situation.
* We may do special eBay Partner Network promotions for eBay PowerSellers from time to time. In order to ensure that you are included in any such promotions, your accounts must be linked.
* Starting August 25th, all eBay Partner Network affiliates above $200 in monthly commissions that are also eBay PowerSellers will also be given access to a personal account manager.

Not sure how to link your accounts? It’s Easy! Go to the “Account Info” tab and click “Link to eBay Account” to enter your eBay ID and password to successfully link your accounts. For future reference, you will be able to access this information under the “Account Info” tab in the eBay Partner Network interface.

Thank you,

The eBay Partner Network Team

OK, first off. If my account isn’t linked, how did you know I was a PowerSeller? That troubles me. Unless they just sent it to everyone like a dolphin hating tuna fisherman.

Secondly, is it me, or does this email promise nothing and just basically try to whine you into linking your accounts so they know more about what you are doing.

This is how I read this email:

We want to know what you are up to over there

Dear Hillary,

We just introduced this thing to link your eBay and referral account and you haven’t done it yet. :*-( WTF?

How are we supposed to stalk your every move if you won’t link your accounts? Not fair, man! We are going to try to make this linking thing sound SWEET AS HELL so you’ll actually do it, OK? Ready? OK, um, for starters, if you link your accounts you’ll get “special features.” And PowerSellers will get even special-er special features. What special features? Um. . . well. . . really special special features like. . . um:

* We suspect that most of the referral cash we are handing out is just sellers advertising their own items. This pisses us off. We would like to stop you from doing that if we can. But if anyone asks us if this is what we are doing we are going to go into all that “serve you better” BS.
* We may do special eBay Partner Network promotions for eBay PowerSellers from time to time. We also may not. We are unpredictable, man, that is just how we roll.
* If you make more than $200 in monthly commissions we are looking into that shiz. Seriously, not cool. If you are really making that much off of linking to your own stuff a “personal account manager” named Guido will show up at your door for a consolation between you and some brass knuckles.

See how special those features are? Especially the one in the middle where we were all dodgy about if any actual benefits would be offered. Now you totally want to link your account, don’t you?

Not sure how to link your accounts? It’s Easy! Why did we capitalize the E in Easy. Is it some kind of proper noun? I’m so confused about that.

Seriously, though, we want to know what you are freaking up to. Link those accounts.

Thank you,

The eBay Partner Network Team