I pop into the old spam bin every now and again to make sure a real email didn’t get eaten by mistake and today I found a real gem. Let me show it to you…

It reads:

I know [PASSWORD] is your pass word. Lets get right to the point. You do not know me and you’re probably wondering why you’re getting this email? There is no one who has compensated me to investigate you.

actually, I actually installed a software on the xxx videos (porn) website and there’s more, you visited this website to experience fun (you know what I mean). While you were watching videos, your web browser started out working as a Remote control Desktop with a keylogger which provided me with accessibility to your display screen and also web cam. after that, my software collected your complete contacts from your Messenger, social networks, as well as email . Next I created a double video. First part displays the video you were viewing (you have a fine taste ; )), and 2nd part displays the view of your web cam, yeah its you.

You got just two possibilities. Shall we study these types of possibilities in particulars:

First solution is to skip this email. As a consequence, I most certainly will send out your very own tape to every one of your personal contacts and also just think regarding the awkwardness you feel. Moreover if you are in a committed relationship, precisely how this will affect?

In the second place alternative should be to compensate me $7000. Let us describe it as a donation. Consequently, I will instantly remove your video recording. You will go on with your daily life like this never occurred and you will not ever hear back again from me.

You’ll make the payment through Bitcoin (if you don’t know this, search “how to buy bitcoin” in Google).

BTC Address: 1a4n5XhvYjy5bnUJMkrubKqZdA1r3yU6C
[case SENSITIVE so copy and paste it]

If you have been thinking of going to the cops, okay, this e-mail cannot be traced back to me. I have taken care of my moves. I am not looking to ask you for money a lot, I want to be paid. I have a specific pixel within this e mail, and right now I know that you have read this email. You now have one day in order to pay. If I don’t get the BitCoins, I will send out your video recording to all of your contacts including family members, coworkers, and so on. Nevertheless, if I do get paid, I will erase the recording right away. If you really want proof, reply with Yup! and I definitely will send out your video to your 15 contacts. It is a nonnegotiable offer and so please don’t waste my personal time & yours by replying to this mail.

Ah, the old password porn extortion video scam spam. Classic.

In summation, if I do not send this clownshoe $7,000 in bitcoin (Bitcoin! Freaking hipster…), they will release a video of the porn I enjoy watching and a video of me watching the porn to everyone I know.

Well, I hope you guys all enjoy vintage cuts of The Muppets and me laughing at them while drinking herbal tea in my old pair of mom glasses because that’s prettttty much as close as to watching porn as I get and needless to say I won’t be paying up.

But, because there’s probably some poor bloke out there with a crippling porn addiction who is Google-ing this email in a panic attack, let me stop real quick to say, it’s OK. Breathe. While the password on mine is indeed a real password… it’s one I haven’t used since I was in college which means it’s a decade and a half old and they probably got it one of the big password leaks from a few years back. If you’re still using some really old password that has leaked in the past (and like… why would you do that? Does that seems smart to you?) freaking CHANGE that thing RIGHT NOW everywhere you use it and you’re fine. Captain Extortionpants is just trying to trick you into giving him some of those sweet sweet bitcoins (I mean… I can’t even write that with a straight face) so don’t fall for the scam, just be smarter about changing your passwords more often from now on. K?

Now, for the rest of us, let’s dive into this email…

I know [PASSWORD] is your pass word. Lets get right to the point. You do not know me and you’re probably wondering why you’re getting this email? There is no one who has compensated me to investigate you.

Fun fact, my dude. You cannot just throw a question mark at the end of any random sentence to make it a question? Also that’s NOT actually my password unless you’re a really shitty time traveler who missed by about a decade and a half. And, frankly, that last sentence is offensive to me. Does my ongoing feud with Putin mean nothing to him? The gig economy has truly gone too far when even the scammers have gone freelance.

actually, I actually installed a software on the xxx videos (porn) website and there’s more, you visited this website to experience fun (you know what I mean).

Is actually, I actually like Captain oh my Captain? Actually, I actually like how you call it “the xxx videos (porn) website” because we all know there’s only that one porn site we all use to experience “fun.” And, no, I do not know what you mean by fun. Is it like work? I run an e-commerce site so I am VERY familiar with work.

While you were watching videos, your web browser started out working as a Remote control Desktop with a keylogger which provided me with accessibility to your display screen and also web cam. after that, my software collected your complete contacts from your Messenger, social networks, as well as email . Next I created a double video. First part displays the video you were viewing (you have a fine taste ; )), and 2nd part displays the view of your web cam, yeah its you.

Let’s put to the side for a moment that this makes absolutely zero sense and reads like it was written by a bowl of alphabet soup on a three day crack bender. Web browser, babe, you been working out? I thought you looked fit, you go girl! Looking Fire-Foxy if you know what I mean. I would like to allow you accessibility to my display screen, if you know what I mean.

OOOO, no, though a DOUBLE VIDEO? That’s like a double rainbow but… with video! And I do have fine taste. Like, right now, I’m having this peach tea and it’s nice, you know, just fruity enough without being all sweet and cloying. Yeah, it is me. And I’m awesome. That you for that lift up, sugar.

You got just two possibilities. Shall we study these types of possibilities in particulars:

First solution is to skip this email. As a consequence, I most certainly will send out your very own tape to every one of your personal contacts and also just think regarding the awkwardness you feel. Moreover if you are in a committed relationship, precisely how this will affect?

Also just think regarding the awkwardness of your writing, my dude. You are PAINING me. Imagine sending this to an English major and thinking I would be in any way threatened by this. No one who has this poor a grasp of words is going to pull off a sophisticated scam, mark my words. Better yet, mark your words. Don’t the forces of evil have editors or something?

But, as this is the option I have selected, please do send whatever salacious footage you have of me to… checks earlier threat above… all of the contacts I have on Messenger, an app I do not use. You are correct that I will feel super awkward for you if your only threat is to send nonexistent footage of me to no one.

“Precisely how will this affect?” is exactly the point when I started to wonder if my five year old wrote this email because this is exactly how she talks. Lots of big words… not always the best grasp of how they work in a sentence.

In the second place alternative should be to compensate me $7000. Let us describe it as a donation. Consequently, I will instantly remove your video recording. You will go on with your daily life like this never occurred and you will not ever hear back again from me.

Ah, door number 2 is… extortion! You get extortion!

But you can describe it as a donation which is really charitable of him DO YOU GET IT CHARITABLE DONATION HAHAHA ahem. Seriously, though, what a thoughtful scammer to make his extortion payment tax deductible.

You will go on with your daily life like this never occurred and you will not ever hear back again from me.

You are correct, this will 100% be the outcome. But also I like to picture this as the catch phrase in some Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he does that halting monotone over some swelling music while something explodes behind him and he says, “You will not ever hear back AGAIN from me!” Epic. But also quotable at parties, you know?

You’ll make the payment through Bitcoin (if you don’t know this, search “how to buy bitcoin” in Google).

BTC Address: 1a4n5XhvYjy5bnUJMkrubKqZdA1r3yU6C
[case SENSITIVE so copy and paste it]

This part is honestly precious. It means they realize the only people who are going to fall for this email are people so technology hopeless they need to Google “how to buy bitcoin.” This is a scam for your grandpa, my friends, so warn your horny elders. Friends don’t let friends google about bitcoin and then send it to random people who claim to have videos of them watching porn.

If you have been thinking of going to the cops, okay, this e-mail cannot be traced back to me.

Oh, man, I was supposed to be reading this in a valley girl voice the while time? Let me go back…

But, also, this line makes me increasingly certain this was written by a five year old.

I have taken care of my moves.

…dance moves?

I am not looking to ask you for money a lot, I want to be paid.

Like, $7000 is money a lot, in that it is a lot of money. And I get that you want to be paid which is why you set up this scam but I’m still not doing it.

I have a specific pixel within this e mail, and right now I know that you have read this email.

Oooooo, do you also know that I have posted it on my blog and am making fun of you? Because I reallllllly hope you do.

You now have one day in order to pay. If I don’t get the BitCoins, I will send out your video recording to all of your contacts including family members, coworkers, and so on. Nevertheless, if I do get paid, I will erase the recording right away. If you really want proof, reply with Yup! and I definitely will send out your video to your 15 contacts. It is a nonnegotiable offer and so please don’t waste my personal time & yours by replying to this mail.

All of a sudden now BitCoins is capitalized like it’s a currency in an epic fantasy world and, in a way, isn’t it? But please do send my video to family,  coworkers and… “so on.” I like how you don’t list friends, knowing I have none.

That his ideal target has only 15 contacts further confirms that this is a scam for Great Uncle RANDY if you know what I mean because I have, easily 3,000 email contacts.

But, ah, watch the master scammer at work in this last paragraph, playing you like a fiddle by telling you to reply to him but also to not waste his time by replying to him. So should you reply or not? It’s Schrodinger’s reply. Gets into your head like a box with a dead cat in it. Either way, gotta appreciate this guy doing this scamming on his personal time. He doesn’t even do it for the money man, just the love of it, you know?

Also, if you want this guy to provide proof that you are indeed being extorted he wants you to reply with a cheery AF “Yup!” Like, man, whenever someone is trying to hassle me up for money I’m always like “Yeppers! 🌈🤣💩😃🦄😸🧜‍♂️👃” Just puts me in the best mood, you know?

So, in conclusion, spammers are hilarious, change your passwords often, enjoy porn responsibly, think critically and, hey, did you know there’s a merman emoji, sweet!